


Hello, My Name is Ruby Rose, and I Am Not Into MILFs

by soul_droid



Category: RWBY
Genre: Also Ruby and Yang speak Mandarin to each other, And doesn't want the other two getting in on this, But only when Ruby's getting annoyed with Yang, Gen, It all snowballs from there, Ruby is not aware that is Yang's mom until it is firmly too late, Ruby wants to fuck Yang's mom, Today and multiple other days could have gone a hell of a lot better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-21 08:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15554139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_droid/pseuds/soul_droid
Summary: Yes, she is.Hi, yeah, this story has absolutely no fucking point.Have fun.Feel free to correct my Chinese. I took two years of it, and that was a few years ago, so Lord knows I'm rusty.





	1. Jiějiě's Mom Has Got it Goin' On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiějiě (姐姐) means "Older sister"  
> Developer update:
> 
> Added pinyin and pinyin pronunciation guide.
> 
> Fixed bug wherein Yang said "zuo ni tian", not "zuo tian ni"

When Ruby awoke in the morning, she felt all was fine, and that this was going to be another routine Beacon day. Probably stop in at JNPR’s dorm and hang out for a bit before classes started, maybe grab breakfast and eat it outside, and possibly—

 

Wait.

 

Wait, there was something that happened last night, wasn’t there? There was a bit of a sense of dread washing over Ruby, and for the life of her, she could not remember what it was. Whatever, she was probably just being paranoid, or there was likely a test coming up or something. Getting up, she jumped off of her bunk, and one thing she immediately noticed was the sound of Weiss grunting in pain, and it sounded a little bit like this:

“Agk—What the fuck was that?!” Ah, early morning pottymouth-Weiss, before she could get control of herself and hold it in for the rest of the day. Though somewhere in the room, Ruby thought she heard a snicker, she figured she’d focus on Weiss’s expletive. Yes, it was distant enough that Ruby knew she had made no physical contact with Ms. Schnee, but somehow she felt it had been set into motion by her. Looking in the direction of the swearing, she saw Weiss sitting on her bed, apparently in the middle of getting up herself, and now rubbing the spot where the pain was: On the top of her head.

“Oh my goodness, Weiss, are you okay? You want me to get you an icepack?” Kind of a ridiculous question, given Weiss’s abilities, but she appreciated the sentiment, and she’d been trying to be a nicer, more considerate person recently, so the best she could muster at this early hour was not saying anything. She looked down, and saw the source of her pain

“A scroll?” Weiss asked. That snicker from earlier seemed to return, and Ruby was starting to believe she wasn’t just hearing things. Picking it up, she saw the message on the front, and her face fell flat for a prelude to rage. In a voice barely holding itself together, she read “Huge tits, thick thighs, makes a Ruby go ‘oh my.”

“What?” And before she could ask for clarification, Yang – who had previously seemed to be asleep – began laughing at full volume

“OH, 肏你，阳！” _*Oh, fuck you, Yang!*_ [Oh, cào nǐ, Yáng!] And this was the part where Weiss and Blake remembered that Ruby and Yang were half Chinese.

“肏我？可是昨天你说了你要了肏我妈妈！” [Cào wǒ? Kěshì zuótiān nǐ shuōle nǐ yàole cào wǒ māmā!]  _*Fuck me? But last night, you said you wanted to fuck my mom!*_ Turns out that “fuck” works exactly the same way in Mandarin that it does in English

“去你的，我不知道了那个女是了—” [Qù nǐ de, wǒ bù zhīdàole nàgè nǚ shìle—]  _*Screw you, I didn’t know that woman was—*_

The shouting causes Blake to wake up, groggily reminding everyone that “Okay, two sets of ears, two sets of ears, please try to remember that...”

“Also, what are either of you yelling about?”

Ruby quickly says “Nothing!”

Blake turns to Weiss “Nothing?”

Weiss tosses the scroll over to Blake “Something.”

Ruby snatches the scroll from Blake’s hand, leaving rose petals in her wake, but from Blake’s blank stare, and her unmoving... well... everything... Ruby surmises that she’s already read it. Stupid Blake and her fast reading

“... Well, is it true?”

“No! I mean, well, kinda, but this has gotten _far_ out of control!”

Weiss grabs the bridge of her nose in frustration “How did this even start?”

“Yang, don’t you say a _thing!_ ”

“Ruby wants to do it with my mom.”

In vague disbelief, Ruby asks “What did I _just_ say? Does the title ‘team leader’ carry _no_ authority?”

“Not when my life’s not in danger.”

“ _It is_.”

Blake turns to Ruby and asks “Well, is it true?”

“No! I mean, well, kinda, but this has gotten _far_ out of control!”

Yang decides to explain the situation. “See, I showed her a picture that Uncle Qrow sent me over messenger of him at the beach back in his younger days, because he was trying to prove a thing I thought he was lying about actually happened. Turned out he was telling the truth. Anyway, I showed the picture to Ruby, cuz I was telling _her_ the story, and I noticed her staring at a spot on the picture. I looked where she was looking, and where was it but at my fucking mom over in the corner of the picture in her bathing suit! So I’m like ‘ _Rubles, what’cha starin’ at?_ ’ Cuz I know exactly who that is, and I just wanna make sure the apocalypse is actually happening in Team RWBY’s dorm right then and there, and that my sis actually thinks my mom is hot – and that’s a sentence I wish to GOD that I never could have said, but here we are! So she’s like ‘ _O-oh, it’s just, um... That girl... in the corner over there, she’s um... kind of... cute._ ’ And so in my brain I’m screaming, for obvious reasons, and the rest is history!”

“Ugh... I didn’t know.”

“That doesn’t change the fact!”

Weiss notes that “You’re taking this rather well, if memeing on her is your only revenge.”

“In life, it’s either get busy memeing, or get busy crying!” The phone beeps, and Yang says “Oh, I got a message! Pass it over!”

Ruby warily gives Yang her scroll back

“Oh, here it is! I asked Qrow to send me the most recent picture he had of my mom! Hopefully it’s not just like a headshot or something, and— Holy crap, I think this is some like top-secret Ozpin level shit right here. Anyway, it’s perfect! Hey says that it’s from two weeks ago, and he’s genuinely curious as to why I wanted it, when my dad has old family pictures of her already. Whatever, I’ll answer him later. So, Ruby, tell me the truth,” She points her scroll at Ruby, with the picture on full display “Is she still hot?”

“W-wh-” ‘ _Just say no. Just say no, Ruby, it’s that easy. Damn though, those thighs. She has just enough on display to entice, but enough hidden away that it leaves a good amount to the imagination. Look at her, talking with a sexy— I mean condescending! A condescending smile!_ ’

She was talking to another woman who had short hair and a tattoo on her left bicep. Raven faced the general direction of the camera (positioned more above her, and out of her line of sight), and sat with one leg crossed over the other.

' _A perfectly normal position. There’s nothing sexy here. Except maybe that aura of domination, and that sash that emphasizes her breasts._ ’ “N-no!” She finally responded to Yang’s question

“Then why did that take so long?”

“N-no it didn’t!!”

“Oh my crap, my little sister likes MILFs.”

“I—I do _not_ like MILFs!”

Weiss notes “Then you probably want to stop calling them MILFs.”

“CAN EVERYBODY STOP SAYING MILF?!”

“You have actually said it more than anybody else in this room at the moment.

Yang then reasons “So, this whole time it wasn’t ‘lock up your daughters’, it was ‘lock up your mothers’, cuz Ruby’s on the prowl!”

Blake, making absolutely nothing better, provides “Oh, like a wolf faunus, except you’ve just been keeping your ears down the whole time.

“Ugh!” Ruby’s life is just about over now, she guesses.

Then Blake, with a thoughtful expression, says “You know, back in Menagerie, I _do_ have a bit of a problem where people keep telling me my mom is hot...”

Yang fake-whispers “Keep ‘er away from Ruby.”

Grabbing her scroll, Ruby says “Well, would you look at the time! We need to get going to class!”

“Class isn’t for another three hours, Ruby.”

“Then it’s time for unforgiving, rigorous training sessions! Everybody, we’re doing weapon switches today! Blake, you’re taking Crescent Rose! Weiss, Ember Celica! Yang, Myrtenaster! Pass me Gambol Shroud! Nobody’s leaving the training room until they manage to defeat a level nine CPU!”

“RUBY, LEVEL NINE IS RESERVED FOR TEACHERS!”

“LEVEL NINE, YANG! LEVEL NINE!

 

\--

 

Three hours later, in Glynda Goodwitch’s classroom

Glynda finishes writing some instructions for the class on the board and giving an explanation.

“You’ll be pairing up into groups outside ofyour regular teams. You can’t expect to be working with the same people all of the time.” As she turns around, she sees something unusual. “Team RWBY. Is there a reason you all seem to be exhausted so early in the morning?”

Yang Xiao Long. Filled with simmering murderous rage. And completely lacking a filter or any other usual good decision-making processes at the moment. Shouts out, at a volume audible to even the classroom across the hall...

“BECAUSE RUBY’S A MILF-HUNTER!!”

And on that day, the whole academy learned the true horror of Ruby vs. Yang, as they leveled a whole classroom.

Be glad they were already so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> M'kay, so I realize that pinyin is, um... It's not exactly straightforward.
> 
> For instance, Ruby and Yang both say the word "cào", which means "fuck". The "c", however, is not pronounced like a "k", or even the "c" in the word "pronounce", but it is rather something akin to a "ts" sound. So, it comes across as "tsao".
> 
> Are we all weebs here? Because if so, you should know how to pronounce the word "ni". It sounds like "knee".
> 
> Now, Yang at one point says the word for "yesterday", "zuótiān". The "z" in that word is pronounced similar to the "c". In this case, it's more "dz". There ya go. Now for "tian". That's pronounced more like "tyen" Make sure you're keeping it all as one syllable, it's not "ti-yen", but rather "tyen". Also important is that the "e" you just saw me use is the English "e". Why did I point that out? Because,
> 
> Ruby and Yang both use the past-tense indicator "le". The "e", however, is pronounced more like "uh". Instead of going "leh", you'd go "luh"
> 
> In one sentence, Ruby twice uses my most hated sound in the entire Mandarin language. "ü" Now this makes a completely different sound than it does in German, but make no mistake; I hate pronouncing the sound it makes in German, too. So, if you answered "yes" to the weeb question earlier, this is gonna be good. You know the Japanese name "Yui", for example? Right, well, take out the "y", and you get something that sounds like "oooh wee". Now smash those mother fuckers together like a damn crash test dummy and a wall. That's it. That's the sound. It doesn't exist in English, so that's the best I can describe it to you. Now, for some reason, Google Translate doesn't put the dots or umlauts or whatever on the "ü" in "Qù", but yeah, it also has that evil sound.
> 
> Now, let's talk about when Ruby uses that phrase. If you translate it directly, it's "go with your". Which doesn't make any sense. But as you saw with the translation, it's kind of "screw you", or a milder version of "fuck you" that I went with, because going more intense would be out of character (it's a detail meant to show she's kind of cooling down over it, before the group joins in and ruins that). Why does it mean that? I don't know. It's slang.
> 
> So now we get to our favorite part: Those markings! You see the little slashes 'n shit over the pinyin? Those are tones. They're actually pretty self explanatory. A flat slash (known as "first tone", so if you see for instance a pinyin word written like "ni1" that means it's pronounced "ni" and you use the first tone) means to keep your tone flat. An upward slash (second tone) means to go upward. A little "v" (third tone) means to go down, and then up, and a downward (fourth tone) means go downward.
> 
> Personally, I really hate making the second and third tones, because when I'm in a rush, the third tone just sounds like the second. But hey. There's your Chinese education so you can read two lines in a fanfiction about a fifteen year-old girl getting teased about being attracted to someone who happens to be older than her.
> 
> If you ever decide to take Mandarin class, do yourself a favor, and don't show your teacher this story. It has the "fuck" word in it. But you might want to ask your instructor about the thing Yang does, where instead of saying "我的妈妈" or "wo de mama" ("de" being a possessive word), she just says "我妈妈" "wo mama". Because that's also proper grammar. In certain situations.


	2. All This From One Joke?

As everybody sat in Blake’s room during a time period in the story that could not exist, Ms. Belladonna sat talking to her friends.

“Y’know, it feels kinda weird... seeing you all here, I mean.”

“I getcha.” Ruby replies “It really makes the whole thing sink in, doesn’t it? The world can feel so small sometimes... Then, when two bits of your own world get mixed together... it takes some getting used to.”

“Exactly.”

Yang then realizes something “Hey, Blake, where are your parents?”

“They had some important meeting stuff to tend to. Don’t worry about it. It should probably be over now, though, so maybe you can sit down with them later.”

Yang is a lot of things, and sometimes, one of those things is a piece of shit. She narrows her eyes, and says “Y’sure that’s a good idea?”

“Um... Yeah. If you’re talking about Weiss, I’m sure we won’t have... _too_ many issues.”

Weiss, busy inspecting a trinket in Blake’s room that she couldn’t identify, but was too proud to ask about, because it seemed like a Menagerie take on something she’d seen before, spoke up “If they’re reasonable people, they will understand that the will of my father is not mine own.”

“Mine own?”

“Admittedly, I have had some hic-ups along the way, but... Who among us hasn’t?”

Ruby agrees “Ain’t that the truth? There was that whole year when I was seven that I was obsessed with Jennie Tentrow.”

“Tentrow? Isn’t she that movie star? The bird faunus with the big wings? Half the time I wonder how she even managed to make it that far in the movie business, what with all that’s going against her.”

Blake cuts in, saying “Okay, first off, I have no clue, and I want to learn her secret. Secondly, Ruby, that’s completely different; you’d have to be like in the top 10 biggest faunus racists of all time to not want to fuck Jennie Tentrow.”

Yang shakes her head “Ruby got into a fist fight about her.”

“Okay, but Ruby’s an SJW.”

“Kid wasn’t even a faunus racist, she just thought Tentrow sucked.”

Ruby buries her head in her hands “Bringing this up was a mistake; those memories are gonna haunt me all day.”

“But anyway, that wasn’t what I was talking about. I don’t think there are gonna be any issues with Weiss... I’m talking about...” And she proceeded to whisper as loudly as she could so everyone would hear “Ruuuubyyyyyy.”

Now everyone got curious

“Y’know... the MILF-hunter...”

Weiss and Blake froze in place... Understanding where this might go, but where it just might not. On one hand, Ruby is a very polite young woman. She’s not one to resort to violence. On the other hand, Yang is her sister.

Ruby spoke first, side-eying Yang. “... 你要不要我打你？” [Nǐ yào bùyào wǒ dǎ nǐ?] * _Do you want me to hit you?_ *

Blake winced because awwwww ffuuuuuuck, they switched languages. The ball’s in Yang’s court. All she has to do is handle it with the finesse that nobody except the person who just showed she wasn’t gonna use it has.

Yang smiles at her younger sister “过来, mother fucker.” [Guòlái, mother fucker] * _Come at me, mother fucker._ *

“Not in my room! Not in my fucking room!”

“Aw, I’m just ribbin’ ya, Rubles!” As she wraps her arm around Ruby’s neck playfully

Ruby grins “Yeah, I know!”

Blake looks up at Weiss and the two of them stare, bewildered. Nonverbally, Blake shot a look that said something along the lines of ‘Is this what growing up with siblings is like?’

‘I hate Whitley, and Winter’s never there. I don’t know.’

Yang, ever one to push the envelope, continued “Just make sure you don’t get a boner for Blake’s mom!”

Ruby, not addressing the ‘boner’ part, it seems, immediately retorted “I am not going to get a boner for Blake’s mom!” Finishing just as they heard a knock. Well, not really a knock. Almost half a knock. Like the person on the other end really started questioning whether or not they wanted to come into this room. Everyone froze up. Blake, making a decision she half-thought was dumb, went over to the door, and opened it up. She saw Kali standing there with a tray of pastries, and an expression that was unreadable, yet understandable all at once as something akin to shock, and regret. And of course if that wasn’t bad enough, there stood Ghira right behind her, looking no less regretful about even coming here.

It was bad for everybody in the room, but for Ruby it was probably the worst, because the focus was on her unfortunately.

...

...

...

Ruby, perhaps foolishly, decided to speak “N... buh...” Decided to _try_ to speak. “No, no, Mister and Missus Belladonna, you don’t understand...” ' _Somehow... Somehow the worst part about this is that she really_ is  _hot. I can never admit this to Yang._ '

Ghira opened his mouth, seemingly not to speak, but to silently say ‘ah’, as he nodded his head in understanding not so much of Ruby’s words, but that this wasn’t going to get better any time soon.

“S-see, my sister was teasing me about the fact that, well, okay, fine, I’m kind of attracted to her mom.” At the cocked eyebrow she got from both Belladonnas who weren’t facepalming as Blake was, she quickly added “W-we have different moms! My mom’s dead! I mean, not that that has anything to do with whether or not I’d be attracted to her – I wouldn’t!”

Having to explain to people that she isn’t attracted to her own dead mother is not the way Ruby Rose envisioned anything ever at any point conceivably turning out, and if she could have considered that it would happen, she’d have prayed for it to never take place for frankly a myriad of reasons.

“B-but I digress, she’s made me out to be a MIL—” Thankfully, she reconsidered her sentence before using the word ‘MILF’ in front of a mother. Unfortunately, Kali isn’t an idiot, as evidenced by the narrowed eyes, and the slight backing away motion “She’s made it into a joke that I must be attracted to mothers. Or maybe older women in general. I’m not sure.” She looked over to Yang for clarification, and – okay, maybe she didn’t. Yang wasn’t there, you see. And the window was open. And Weiss was gone as well as a matter of fact. “... You bastards. Extra drills next time I see you.” Blake looked over in horror "Not you, Blake; you stayed." And suddenly Blake didn't give a fuck.

 

\--

 

Hours later, as the team joined the Belladonnas for dinner, there was a slight silence. Ruby, being a kind and pleasant young woman, decided to brave the cold atmosphere. “Those were delightful pastries you made earlier, Mrs. Belladonna.”

Kali, looking to Ruby, smiled and replied “Thank you...!” And all was well. “I mean, don’t think you’re going to get anything ‘ _extra_ ’ out of it, but thank you!”

“WHYYYY?!?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't you glad this isn't another one of those stories where Kali commits infidelity?


End file.
